Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
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I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
we did it you guys we saved daylight
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.