“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
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*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
I just tested negative for patience.
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
Me if I was a dog
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
“Sheer Arrogance”
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
a lot to unpack here
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
me when I see my crush
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!