no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
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Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey