Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
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ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
Best mom ever 😂
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher