ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
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Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
This might be the funniest tweet ever
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline