Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
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If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?