Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
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Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
There’s always that one guy
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.