me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
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I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
this independent good boy don’t need no human
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
Just a phase…
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.