The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
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the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills