Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
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Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
Jokes on them. I took 10.
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.