Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
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My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
This is hilarious….
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.