@ficklenuts: Adulthood is almost as fun as a piƱata full of wasps
@bighandsmassuer: People often ask me why I'm single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
@noog: *playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
@markedly: BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges w/ ur debit card
ME: How'd you know it wasn't me
B: They entered the PIN correctly 1st try
M: Dear god
@Leemanish: "You know where you are? You're in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! ...Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?"
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