Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
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Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind