While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
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Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.