Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
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Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
you have three unread messages
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?