Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
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My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
December birthdays be like…
me as a parent
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy