[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
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[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.