@MouthOfSass: While I appreciate your enthusiasm, auto flush toilet, I kinda wanted to see that.
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@squirrel74wkgn: If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you. Science.
@T_N_Crumpets: Waiter: black pepper? Me: sure Waiter: say when Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
@FudgeRobot: Sometimes when I'm about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I'm a wizard.
@better_off_dad: Me: Bless me Father for I have sinned. Priest: How long since your last confession, my son? Me: About 45 minutes.