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Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
Adultry does not sound fun at all
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.