Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
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I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!