While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
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I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
Heroic Misunderstanding
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.