@OhNoSheTwitnt: While it's true that gay marriage doesn't nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it's not your birthday anymore.
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@siddharth3: Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
@Sarcasticsapien: If you're going to insult the Amish, do it to their face. You kinda have to. They're never gonna see it online.
@lyric_intent: [Bank Robbery] Robber: KEEP YOUR HANDS UP OR I'LL SHOOT EVERY ONE OF YOU! *Friends theme begins to play over PA* *Everyone sweats nervously*