While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
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You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you