[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
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My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
I had to Stop for this
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.