@OhNoSheTwitnt: While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
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@iwearaonesie: wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
@dlockw21: Cashier: Going snorkeling huh? Me: Yeah. Should be fun. Cashier: Watch out for sea snakes. Me: Hi, I'd like to return these.
@matt___nelson: [interrogation] Where were you last night? "Out killing people" Louder for the tape [leans in] "The Cheesecake Factory, that's where I was"
@veronaway2: I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.