While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
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Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody