I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
You Might Also Like
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
courtroom exchange of the day
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly