[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
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I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in