*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
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Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
my one true gender
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
Not today
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
i would wish you the best but i am the best
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.