While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
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I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.