While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
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my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
Something Saturday.
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?