While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
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Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
Holy shit he’s back
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.