[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
You Might Also Like
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
We’ve all been there
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂