[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
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I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
Me driving through Toronto
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
Best table by far
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no