While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
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Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
This forever.
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
August 8
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.