*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
You Might Also Like
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco