Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
You Might Also Like
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.