While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
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me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.