@JermHimselfish: Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it's girlfriend tells it to do.
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@shashaintl: Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you're.. Me: Gorgeous & you've been mustering up the courage to speak to me? HS: ..blocking the pickles.
@aligarchy: it's weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
@causticbob: What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
@PinkCamoTO: Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job? Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.