Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
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Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
Pringles
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no