WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
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[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
Hamburger Hinderer.
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning