Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
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I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
Finally!
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.