Whisper out to librarians!
You Might Also Like
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Well well well…
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.