the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
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Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
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Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
gm
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!