[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
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Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
Ovenable?
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane