(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
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the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.