[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
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Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
Netflix: We have Less
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
my dad has had enough
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre