[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
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*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg