[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
You Might Also Like
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?