I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
You Might Also Like
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew ✔
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
PhewThe Chosen Phew
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased