@JoePerticone: *whispers* hail hydra
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@Brianhopecomedy: I probably should've said, "Congrats on your 4th child!" instead of "Halfway there, OctoMom".
@Mr_Kapowski: Coworkers: Zack, you should come to a hookah bar with us! Me: Why? Who's celebrating their 12th birthday?
@neiltyson: Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.