@usermcuserface: Manager to waiter:
Wait for it..
Wait for it..
(Sees me take a huge bite of food)
Go! Go! Go!
Waiter: so how is everything today?
@finah: reminder that winnie the pooh wore a crop top with no panties and ate his favorite food and loved himself and you can too
@KentWGraham: How can my wife's hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
@InternetHippo: [making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
@respected_loner: i hate when the news guys say "our nation's capital". stop jerking us around and tell us what city it is
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