@usermcuserface: Manager to waiter: Wait for it.. Wait for it.. (Sees me take a huge bite of food) Go! Go! Go! Waiter: so how is everything today?

@finah: reminder that winnie the pooh wore a crop top with no panties and ate his favorite food and loved himself and you can too

@KentWGraham: How can my wife's hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?

@InternetHippo: [making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice! [spending money] Ah no this feels bad also

@respected_loner: i hate when the news guys say "our nation's capital". stop jerking us around and tell us what city it is