Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
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If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal