Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
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Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
so weird how every mom was born today
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
Check out the legs on this baby
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**