*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
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RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
Well. That’s not a good sign.
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.